


A Little Soul

by gaysharks



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: F/F, Light Angst, Pregnancy, Slow Burn, wow I'm writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-06-23 07:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15600975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysharks/pseuds/gaysharks
Summary: Reese is pregnant. And Joey? Well, he's just "not ready" to be a father yet.So where does that leave her? In the arms of stone-cold bitch Ava Bekker. Not literally though. At least, not yet.





	1. Chapter 1

“Sarah. Sarah!” Despite her headphones, she heard her name being called and looked around to see where the voice came from. Her eyes settled on Dr Charles standing by the ED doors a few feet ahead of her, a mixture of worry and annoyance all over his face.

“Dr Charles, I am _so_ sorry I’m late. I woke up feeling really ill and I wasn’t sure if I should come in and then I felt fine but I couldn’t find any pants that fit me and-”

“Hey, hey, hey. Sarah. Sarah, listen to me. It’s okay, okay? I’m not mad at you. I was just worried. That’s all.”

Dr Charles, the head of Psychiatry at Chicago Med, and Sarah Reese’s attending, was confident in her abilities, but at the same time well aware of her insecurities surrounding her ability to perform as a psychiatrist; as a result, he was often having to go out of his way to reassure her that she was doing well and that there was nothing to be worried about.

“Are you sure?”

Despite his constant reassurances, she still felt as if she didn’t measure up to his abilities as a psychiatrist, and being late didn’t help to quell this fear, even though it was a one-off incident.

“Of course I’m sure. Now, we have a patient in treatment four that we need to see soon, but before we do take some time to calm yourself down, okay?” He smiled at her, and she nodded weakly, then made her way over to the break room to dump her bag and jacket.

 

As she was leaving, she bumped into Nat Manning, a regular ED doctor, on her way to check on a patient.

“Sarah! Are you okay? You look a bit pale.” The concern was evident in Dr Manning’s voice, but Sarah ignored it.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just a little tired, that’s all.” She smiled at Nat, then made her way over to treatment four, where Dr Charles filled her in on the details of the patient.

Nat stood watching her for a minute, then went to find Maggie, reminding herself to check on the patient when she was done; it was just a broken arm and could be handled by the nurses until she was done.

“Hey, Maggie.”

“Hey, Nat! What’s up? You look worried.”

“It’s nothing, I just- Sarah seems a bit off today. Could you keep an eye on her for me? Just make sure she’s okay?”

“Of course, that’s no problem at all.” She paused for a moment. “What makes you think something’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, it’s just a hunch, it could be nothing. But she looked really pale just now, and I overheard her telling Dr Charles that she didn’t feel that great when she woke up. I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting.”

“Maybe you are, who knows. I’ll keep an eye out anyway, just in case.”

“Thanks, Maggie.”

“No problem at all Nat. You take care of yourself as well, yeah?”

“Yeah. Of course. Thanks again."

* * *

 “So what are we thinking?”

“Well, the patient presents with rapid speech, agitation, insomnia, and of course the self-harm that brought her here in the first place. Do we have a history?”

“Uh, not really - P.D. brought her in about an hour ago after she was found bleeding on the side of the road.”

Dr Reese paused for a moment, considering the evidence in front of her.

“I’m thinking bipolar? This sounds like a mixed episode to me.”

“That’s what I thought as well. The best course of action at this point seems to be a 72-hour hold, by which time she should be more stable, and hopefully, we’ll have got in contact with a friend or relative.”

“Sounds good.” Sarah smiled at Dr Charles, pleased to have made a correct diagnosis, then walked off to start the transfer papers.

Although it was only a small win, it meant a lot, and Dr Charles could tell that from the complete shift in her attitude; she was suddenly more upbeat and confident, and it was a change Dr Charles was always happy to see.

 

Just as he was finishing his checks on the Jane Doe, a commotion erupted outside the treatment room. Curious, he stepped outside and found Maggie and Nat crouched on the floor around someone, a few nurses standing behind them.

“Is everything okay?” Maggie turned to look at Dr Charles, anxiety written all over her face.

“Sarah just fainted.”

Before he could even respond, she was already regaining consciousness, and Maggie and Dr Manning were trying to help her into a wheelchair.

“Maggie, I really don’t think this is necessary - I’m fine. Nat, tell her I’m fine.” Sarah, now almost fully alert, looked pleadingly towards Dr Manning.

“I’m sorry Sarah but fainting is never a good thing. We’re just going to give you some fluids and let you rest while we run a few tests. It won’t take long, okay?”

“I’m _fine_.”

“If you’re fine, a few tests won’t matter. Let’s just get this over with, okay?”

Accepting that her resistance wasn’t going to get her anywhere, the young psychiatrist settled into the wheelchair and allowed Maggie to take her to a treatment room.

* * *

 Half an hour later and Sarah was sitting, attentive and upright, in her hospital bed, an IV attached to her right arm, waiting for Dr Manning. She’d ordered all sorts of unnecessary tests, which Sarah had obviously protested against, but eventually, she’d given in and let the doctor do what she wanted. A doctor herself, Sarah felt there was no reason for concern - she hadn’t picked up on anything in the last few days or weeks that immediately rang alarm bells; from her point of view, she was simply tired and dehydrated, and probably going down with the flu. Nothing too serious, and definitely nothing that would require such extensive testing.

Just as she was starting to drift off - she hadn’t been sleeping too well recently, but blamed that on the extra night shifts she’d taken on - Dr Manning returned with some test results from pathology.

“Hey, Sarah. How are you feeling now?”

“I’m fine, better than before. Am I allowed to leave yet?”

“Not quite. I’ve got some results here I’d like to talk to you about if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead.”

“So your sodium and calcium levels were lower than we’d like, but hopefully the IV will have sorted that out. Your blood sugar’s 3.8, which is also too low for comfort. However, the IV should also have managed that and you should be okay in about an hour.”

“Is that it? So I _am_ fine?”

“Well, sort of. Why don’t you take a look.”

Dr Manning handed a confused Sarah the results from her blood tests, which she took hesitantly.

Her eyes scanned the list, before settling on one line near the bottom.

“hCG - Present”

Her breath caught in her throat.

“Wha- no. No, it’s not, it’s-” She could feel her heart racing, and her breathing quickened. How could this have happened? She had been so so careful with Joey, every single time. Joey. She started trying to do the maths in her head, but couldn’t concentrate on it. How had she not noticed? She didn’t have an exact date, but it had been a while...

“Nat-”

“Hey, Sarah, it’s okay. Did you not know?”

“I, uh, no…”

“Do you have any idea how far along you might be?”

“I don’t know, I- I…” Her voice trailed off as the reality of her situation sank in.

“Well, there are lots of things we can offer here, both medically and as support at work. You know about the nursery don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet, and she suddenly seemed a lot smaller, almost like a child being thrown in at the deep end.

“I think what’s best right now is for you to have an ultrasound to check on the baby and-“

“No, I don’t- I don’t want that. Can I be alone for a bit?”

“Oh. Sure.” Nat smiled at Sarah, then reluctantly left the room.

 

Maggie was waiting just beyond the doors for Nat and was disheartened to see her leave the room so soon.

“What happened?”

“She didn’t take the news well - didn’t even want an ultrasound.”

“Do you know why?”

“No idea.”

The two women looked towards Sarah, who was curled up on her side in bed, her shoulders shaking gently.

“Should we get someone? Dr Charles?”

“Let’s wait a bit. She said she wanted to be alone.”

“Okay. I’ll speak to her in a bit, and let you know if anything changes.”

“Thanks, Maggie.”

 

10 minutes passed, then 20 without a word from Sarah. It was only half an hour later that she appeared at the doorway of her room, desperately trying to catch Nat or Maggie’s attention, and leaning on the wall for support. She was about to give up when Nat finally appeared.

“Dr Manning!” She turned around when she heard her name, and smiled at the sight of Sarah out of bed.

“Dr Manning, I was wondering if I could talk to you?”

“Of course.” She smiled at her and motioned for the two of them to return to the room. Sarah repositioned herself in bed, and Nat took up the seat next to it.

“So what’s going on?”

Sarah took a deep breath and smiled nervously at Nat.

“I want the ultrasound.”

“Oh. That’s good! What made you change your mind?”

“I don’t know. I just want to get it over with.”

“Of course. Are you okay with me doing it?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Great!”

Nat brought the ultrasound machine round and set it up; all the while Sarah was getting more and more anxious, and beginning to regret her decision.

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was shaky, but she was determined to do this; she couldn’t make any decisions until she had more information.

Nat squeezed the gel onto Sarah’s stomach, then began moving the probe around. The two women looked towards the screen, and Nat began to assess the image on it.

“It seems you’re around 16 or 17 weeks pregnant at this point, and baby and placenta both look healthy.”

“17 weeks?”

“I know it seems scary, but it’s very common to not know for the first few months.”

“I should have known though. I’m a _doctor_. How did I not pick up on this?”

“I don’t know, Sarah, but it doesn’t matter. You and baby are both healthy and there don’t seem to be signs of any complications-”

“But I should have _known_.”

Eager to move on from Sarah’s perceived failings as an expectant mother, Nat continued to move the probe around until she had a clearer picture.

“Do you want to know the sex?”

Sarah looked up from where she was anxiously picking the skin around her nails and nodded.

“Okay, gimme a sec.” Nat readjusted the image one more time then turned to Sarah and smiled.

“It’s a baby girl!”

“Oh. Wow. Thank you. Can I keep this?” She motioned towards the image on the screen.

“Of course! I’ll get that sorted for you.” Nat smiled and turned back to the machine; less than a minute later she presented Sarah with a few printouts of the ultrasound images.

“If you need anything else, let me know, okay?” Sarah nodded.

She wasn’t going to say anything for fear of appearing needy, but as Nat was leaving the room she spoke up.

“Actually, Nat, could you page Dr Charles, please? I need to talk to him.”

“Sure!”

 

The time between Nat leaving and Dr Charles arriving was long, too long for Sarah to be comfortable with. It allowed her mind to wander to places she didn’t want it to, for her to become overwhelmed with anxiety at the decision she had to make. And at the end of it all, everything led back to Joey. He’d been through a lot with her, but towards the end, they’d slowly drifted apart. There was no way this could fix things; if anything, it would make the whole situation more complicated. At the moment, there were no hard feelings - it was a mutual breakup on both of their terms, and they’d remained civil since. However, adding a baby to the equation would only make things worse, and there was no way she could go through with this without him finding out; for all she knew, he was the one that ran her tests, which would make him the first to know.  
And, on top of everything, she wasn’t ready for a baby.

 

“Sarah?” Dr Charles knocked on the doorframe of her room, and she looked up, pleased to see him.

“Dr Charles!”

“How are you doing? I heard you fainted earlier. What’s that about?”

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” Making himself comfortable in the bedside chair, he motioned for Sarah to elaborate on her previous statement.

“Nat ran some tests, and uh… They came back-” Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel her eyes welling up.

“It’s okay, take as much time as you need.”

“I think it’s, uh, easier for me to show you.” She took a deep breath as she handed him the ultrasound pictures from earlier.

“Wow, Sarah, this is…” He looked up from the pictures at her, taking in her tear-filled eyes, the raw, bleeding skin around her fingernails from where she’d picked it all off, and the anxiety written all over her face.

“How do _you_ feel about this?”

“I don’t- I _hate_ it. I’m too young for this and there’s no _way_ I can handle a baby. The father isn’t in the picture, and even if he was, he’s not exactly cut out for parenthood. I’ve never wanted children, and yet here I am, meanwhile April desperately wanted her baby and she lost it. I have no options and I just feel so, _so_ trapped.”

“How far along are you? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“17 weeks, and I only found out this morning. How am I fit to be a mother when I couldn’t even pick up on the most basic of things? I’m a _doctor,_ this should be second nature to me.”

“Is it possible that you may have known, at least for some of this time, but instead ignored it, maybe hoping it would go away?”

 She thought back over the last few weeks and months - she’d been a lot more tired than normal, but blamed it on the extra shifts she’d taken on, and none of her clothes fit properly anymore, but she’d blamed that on her decrease in exercise. Now that she looked back, she realised she’d found some excuse or arbitrary explanation that didn’t involve tying the symptoms together. Even when she’d found herself heaving over her toilet every morning, she still managed to blame it on anxiety or work stress, rather than taking a step back and looking into it properly.

 “I guess…”

“You also mentioned something about feeling trapped? Would you like to elaborate on that?”

“I just- I’m stuck with this baby now; I don’t have a way out of this. Joey? He doesn’t even know. He won’t have to deal with the consequences of our mistake.”

“Wait, Joey-from-pathology Joey?”

“ _Shit_.” She hadn’t realised she’d slipped his name into the conversation.

“It’s okay, it’s none of my business. And you do realise there are ‘ways out of this’, don’t you?”

“If you’re talking about an abortion… I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s legal up to 23 weeks here.”

“I don’t want to hurt her. But I don’t want her either.” For the first time since receiving the news, she placed a hand on her stomach, which now that she looked _was_ raised, and gently drew circles with her thumb.

“I guess what I’m saying is - I don’t want any of this. I wish this hadn’t happened, because now that it has, I can’t see a way out of it.”

“There doesn’t have to be a way out of it, just a way you can cope with. If you can’t cope with an abortion, that’s fine - no one is forcing you to have one. I know you don’t want to carry this baby, but adoption is always a possibility.”

She looked at him uncertainly; they’d had too many kids from the foster system come into the ED, refusing to go back for fear of the abuse they undoubtedly would face, either from their new parents or from the people put in place to try and prevent it. No. There’s no way she’d put her daughter through that.

Dr Charles realised the problem with his suggestion and immediately tried to backtrack, but to no avail. Both he and Sarah knew there were only three realistic options here, none of which seemed adequate.

 

The two sat in silence for a while, both considering the options. As far as Sarah was concerned, adoption was a no-go; she’d seen too many kids failed by the foster system and despised the idea of putting her own baby through that. Instead, she had just two other options: terminate the pregnancy and move on, or continue with it and accept motherhood.  
She knew that she only had a few weeks to decide - after that the baby was considered viable and abortion would no longer be an option; she’d have to go through with it.  
Dr Charles, on the other hand, was more concerned for Sarah than the baby. He wanted it to be okay, of course, but not at the expense of Sarah’s happiness. However, he couldn’t see a decision that could accommodate both Sarah’s and the baby’s needs.

 

“Dr Charles, can I be alone for a bit?” He was drawn away from his thoughts by the sound of Sarah’s voice.

“Huh? Oh yes, of course.” He stood up to leave then turned to face her.

“I know how difficult this must be for you. If you need anything just let me know okay? We’ll get through this.”  
“Thank you. Really.” She smiled at him, but he could see the worry in her eyes.

Poor thing, he thought to himself. _She’s so young._


	2. Chapter 2

After finding out about her pregnancy, Sarah had taken a few days off work at Dr Charles’ recommendation. Now that she was back, she wanted nothing more than to throw herself into her job and forget about everything else that was going on in her life.   
She turned up at Med almost an hour earlier than necessary, anxiety and what she’d now realised was morning sickness waking her up just before six. As a result, she was now sitting in the hospital’s cafeteria at eight am, sipping ginger tea to try and ease her nausea, waiting for her shift to start so she could get on with her day.

When her watch eventually hit nine she made her way up to psychiatry, eager to get stuck into her work and forget about everything that was going on in her life, even if it was only temporarily. She found Dr Charles almost immediately; he was standing just outside his office, checking something on his tablet, and he appeared to be waiting for her. He looked up when he heard footsteps approaching, then smiled when he saw her heading towards him. She looked different today, happier than the last time he’d seen her. She no longer looked panicked, and the smile on her face seemed genuine. She was like a different person. 

He wasn’t completely sure if she’d made a decision about the baby yet, but based on the confidence in her walk, he assumed she was closer than she had been. Although he didn’t want to pry, he felt he should at least check up on her and make sure that everything was as okay as it looked.

“Dr Charles!” She almost bounced towards him, shameless in her overexcitement. This rang alarm bells in his mind, but he said nothing.

“How are you?” He hadn’t seen her like this in a while, and although it was refreshing, there was also something questionable about it.

“I’m good thanks. How are the two of you?” He gestured towards her stomach and her face fell instantly.

“I’m, yeah.  _ I’m _ fine.” Her voice was soft, and he could tell something was wrong. 

“ _Sarah_ …” She was silent, staring at the floor to avoid eye contact. Her whole mood had suddenly shifted, and the air had become tense.

“Are you… Are you keeping it?” The silence continued, then she looked up for a split second and nodded.

“Is there any chance you could possibly be in denial about this whole thing?”

At this accusation, she looked up properly, her eyes flashing with anger.

“I’m  _ not- _ ”

“I didn’t say you were. I was simply wondering because, from my point of view, things aren’t looking too good.”

“What do you mean?” Her tone was less hostile now that she’d had a second to think about what he was suggesting.

“Sarah, you’re holding your pants together with a hair tie, when a few days ago you were complaining they were too tight. And you didn’t even acknowledge the baby when I mentioned her just now.” He paused, waiting for a reaction from Sarah.

When she said nothing he continued. “I hate to ask this but, does Joey know?”

Her breath caught in her throat; she’d been putting off even  _ thinking  _ about telling him for days, worried about how he’d react. 

“I’m  _ scared _ .”

“What are you scared of?” 

“What if… what if he doesn’t want her? What if she grows up without a father? I don’t want her going through what I did.”

“Sarah, there’s no reason why she can’t live a full and happy life with just a mother. Not to say that Joey won’t want to be a part of this, but if he doesn’t you’re fully capable of doing it by yourself. In fact, I highly doubt you’ll be on your own - there are plenty of people here at Med who would be more than willing to help and support you in any way they can.”

She sighed and looked up at him. “I’ll think about it.”

“Great! But make sure you’re comfortable with it first, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

After her conversation with Dr Charles, Sarah tried to get back to where she’d been that morning. Sure, living in denial wasn’t the healthiest, but at least she was coping. Having been reminded of her situation, her anxiety had skyrocketed again and she was no longer sure where she stood. She knew she  _ had _ to talk to Joey, but even the thought of doing so made her want to cry. He’d never mentioned kids and had shown no desire to ever become a parent, something Sarah had shared at first. But now she wasn’t so sure. She hadn’t planned for any of this, but now, feeling like she had an obligation to her daughter, she was slowly changing her mind. 

Later in the day, she caught up with Dr Charles and let him know that she was going to tell Joey. It was entirely her decision, she reassured him, and it was one she was confident in. Now all she had to do was figure out  _ how _ she was going to do it.

She spent the rest of the day thinking about it, trying to work out which angle to come at it from. She left the hospital with nothing but a vague idea of what she was going to say, and she spent another six hours on it when she got home, finally falling asleep just after midnight no further ahead than she had been earlier.

She was aware that she was overthinking it, but she had to have some sort of control over what she said because once she said it she knew that everything else was completely unpredictable, and she’d have sacrificed all the control she had. 

When she awoke, she still had no solid plan; all she knew was that she wanted to get it done as soon as possible.  _ At lunch _ , she thought to herself.  _ I’ll talk to him at lunch _ . So she got ready for the day, her anxiety building the nearer she got to work. By the time she arrived, it became too much, and she ended up hiding in the toilets for ten minutes, trying to calm herself down.

 

* * *

 

By the time lunch came around, she was desperate to just get the whole thing over with and move on, no matter the consequences. It had been weighing on her mind all day, and the stress was starting to get to her more than before; she’d noticed that she was picking the skin around her nails again, the way she had been the day she found out she was pregnant.

She waited until she knew pathology would be quiet, then made her way down there, knowing that if she didn’t go now she never would.    
Just as she predicted, it was almost empty, only Dr Shore out front. She hesitantly approached her, her heart beating rapidly and her hands becoming clammy.

“Hey, Sarah! Long time no see!” 

“Ha, yeah. Nice to see you.” 

“You too. What can I do for you?” 

“Uh, I was actually wondering if Joey was here?”

“Of course! Lemme go get him. I’ll be one sec.” She smiled at her as she made her way further back into the labs, calling Joey’s name as she went. Sarah stood there anxiously waiting, slowly beginning to regret ever coming down here. Just as she was about to make a break for it, she heard Joey and Nina talking, their voices getting louder the closer they got. She had no choice now - she had to stay and face up to her decision. 

When Joey saw her he immediately realised something was wrong; the only time he’d seen her looking this anxious before was on match day. Sensing the tension, Dr Shore said her goodbyes and backed away, leaving the two of them alone.

“Can we go somewhere else for this?”

“Uh, yeah sure.”

They left pathology and went upstairs in silence, Sarah picking at her fingers again and avoiding eye contact with Joey. After a few minutes of this uncomfortable quiet, he pulled her to one side.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yes - no - I don’t know. Listen, I - I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t want to ruin anything, I’m sorry-” She was talking too fast, trying to get the words out before they drowned her. She looked down, away from Joey, and noticed that her hands were shaking.

“Sarah. Sarah, what is it?”

She glanced up at him and took a deep breath, then blurted it out.

“I’m pregnant.” Her announcement winded him, and now the silence was back, more deafening than before. His face was blank, unreadable, and this made her more anxious. 

After what felt like an eternity, he spoke up.

“Listen, Reese, I don’t - I’m not ready for a baby. I’m sorry.” More silence.

“That’s, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I just thought you should know.” She forced a smile but didn’t look him in the eyes, scared that he’d see the tears forming in hers.

“Anyway, I’ve uh, I gotta get back to psych. I’m sorry about this.”

Before he had a chance to respond she’d walked off, taking deep breaths to try and slow her heart.  _ How  _ could it have gone so badly? She knew he’d never really wanted kids, but she hadn’t expected that level of complete apathy. The lack of questions concerned her the most; Joey was the type to want to know everything about everything, and now here he was, faced with his own  _ child _ , and he couldn’t have been less responsive if he’d tried.

The more she thought about it, the faster she walked, as if she could somehow get away from what had just happened. She was so lost inside her head she didn’t even notice the other doctor heading towards her until they bumped into each other.

“Can you watch where you’re going next time?” The other doctor was none other than Ava Bekker, an attending CT surgeon known for her confrontational nature. At the sound of her voice, Sarah could no longer keep it together, and the tears started to fall. The last thing she needed at this point was to get in some petty argument with an arrogant surgeon.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” She was about to walk off when Ava took a proper look at her - her red, puffy eyes, the tears streaming down her cheeks, and her trembling lips.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sarah - it is Sarah right?” She nodded hesitantly.

“Sarah, I’m sorry for snapping at you. Are you okay?”

She nodded again, then changed her mind and shook her head, clasping a hand over her mouth to stop the sobs that were threatening to escape.

“Hey, come here.” Dr Bekker pulled her into a tight embrace, a small act of protection.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sarah considered her options. Here she was, face to face with a doctor she hardly knew, and quite frankly wasn’t entirely sure if she liked, being asked to reveal one of the hardest things that had happened to her. On the other hand, she had no one else to talk to about this; there was no way she could go back to Dr Charles and tell him that it had all gone so  _ so _ wrong and now her baby was going to grow up without a father. 

She managed a shaky breath and mumbled out a weak  _ Yes _ , to which Ava responded immediately, leading her towards a doctor’s lounge a few feet down the corridor.

There were a couple of armchairs and a blue couch in the lounge, set out in an almost identical way to the one down in the ED, and the two young doctors made themselves comfortable on separate seats, neither sure of the others’ boundaries.

After a few minutes of silence, Sarah finally spoke up. She started from the beginning, with her and Joey’s relationship, one that was destined to fail from the start.  _ We cared for each other _ , she explained,  _ we just didn’t  _ love _ each other. That’s where we went wrong.  _ She talked about their breakup, how it was mutual and there were no hard feelings. Then she moved on, closer to where they were now. She described the first few months of what she hadn’t realised was her pregnancy; her constant nausea and tiredness, the way her clothes no longer fit, everything.  _ I blamed it all on stress. My period didn’t come because I was stressed. I was sick because I was stressed. I was tired because I was stressed. I think I knew, but I was too scared to face it.  _ And then she had to face it, on the day she collapsed in the ED, less than a week ago. She recalled still being in denial, even when faced with the positive test results and the ultrasound that clearly showed she wasn’t just stressed.  _ I remember that. _ Ava only interrupted once.  _ Everyone in the ED seemed really worried. Even Connor. _ She chuckled at the thought of the Honorable Dr Rhodes caring about anyone but himself, then allowed Sarah to continue. She skipped over the last few days - Ava probably wouldn’t want to hear about how she sat wallowing in her own sadness at home - and went straight to the day’s events. The way she’d felt so confident in her decision to tell Joey, how she thought he’d have made some sort of attempt to appear interested, and finally how he’d blatantly rejected not only her but his daughter as well. 

When she was done, she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It had never occurred to her just how therapeutic talking to a near-stranger could be; she’d only ever confided in Dr Charles, or her high school counsellor when she was much younger, but she’d never revealed such personal things in her first conversation with someone. Yet for some reason, the more she spoke, the more she felt at ease around Ava, and she became unsure of why she was so anxious in the first place. Maybe everyone was wrong about her. 

After taking in everything Sarah had just said, Ava turned to her, a look of outrage glaringly obvious on her face. At first, Sarah was scared it was something she’d said, but she quickly realised the anger was directed at Joey.

“So Joey - the two of you dated for how long?”

“Six months.”

“Six months. And now, after all that time, he doesn’t even respect you enough to even  _ try _ and care about you or his daughter?”

Sarah nodded.

“You know what? The two of you deserve someone better. Why should you have to settle for some selfish bastard like him?” 

“He’s her father.”

“Doesn’t matter. If he’s not going to do the job, find someone else who will. You’re pretty and you seem nice enough - I’m sure there are plenty of people who would happily take his place.”

Sarah could feel her cheeks burning and knew that they were probably at least a rosy pink by now. She wasn’t used to compliments, especially being called pretty, and she had no idea how to react. The fact that Ava was one of the most enticing people she’d spoken to didn’t help either. Her high cheekbones and the way her hair perfectly framed her face were too much for Sarah. But most striking of all were her piercing green eyes that looked as if they could see right into your soul. She’d never seen anything like them, and she was immediately struck with jealousy. What she wouldn’t give to be Ava, or better yet be  _ with  _ her.  _ No,  _ she thought to herself.  _ You’ve only just met her. Don’t let it happen again. _

Lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t realised that Ava was staring straight back at her. 

“Sarah?”

“Hmm? Oh! Right yeah. I just, I’m not sure if I want another relationship right now.”

“Then don’t have one. But there’s probably at least half a dozen people in this hospital alone who would be more than willing to help you out. All you have to do is ask.” 

Sarah paused to consider everything Ava had just said. Maybe she was right; Dr Charles had said the same about people at Med wanting to help, and there was at least some element of truth in it. She knew that she’d probably have to fight him off to stop him from supporting her, and she was sure that Nat would at least offer some advice on being a single parent. She wasn’t sure about the other doctors and nurses, but it was at least worth a try. It couldn’t go as badly as it did with Joey. And then there was Ava. This was their first conversation, yet here she was offering great advice and moral support as if they’d known each other for years. If only she wasn’t so difficult to read.

“Thank you for this Ava. I’ve never really… opened up to someone before.”

“Of course, anytime! And if you ever want to continue opening up, just come find me, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sarah smiled shyly, then found her hand drawn to her rounded stomach, overcome by a sudden urge to protect this baby at any cost. 

Joey may not be a part of his daughter’s life, but that didn’t mean she should suffer without a mother as well. Yes, things may be far from perfect, but Ava’s words had given Sarah a sense of hope she hadn’t had before. Now all she had to do was get through the next four months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure if I want to continue this in the 'sliding doors' style, as trying to come up with another plot is really difficult + I'm super busy with a levels. I'll try but I'll probably just end up doing this as a single plot, and then I might write the alternative story when I'm done/less busy  
> this isn't set in stone though so I might change my mind again and continue with the two plot story (but don't get too comfortable with that idea)


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was setting over Chicago and Sarah was on the roof of Med, watching it. She’d started to spend a lot of time up there over the last few weeks, waiting until it had gone dark to go home. There was something about the way the sky turned from golden oranges and pinks to dark purples, and suddenly almost pitch blackness that fascinated her. Focusing on the colour change then trying to name the constellations that appeared soothed her like nothing else, reminding her of a happier time. Even before she wanted to become a doctor she’d been fascinated by the stars, making up stories in her head of the people that lived up there and the rich lives they led, playing in craters and flying past each other on comets.

She’d started talking aloud to her daughter as much as possible, beginning by simply naming the constellations. Then she moved onto the stories, telling her long-winded tales of aliens and astronauts and magical planets, words that had been buried in the back of her mind for years with no outlet. Now she’d just say whatever came to mind, a constant narration of what she was doing. 

“When we get home we’ll order tacos, yeah?” Since getting pregnant, she’d found a new love for tacos, something she’d never really given much thought to before, to the point where it was almost all she was eating. 

She took the movement inside her as agreement and continued talking.

“That big star right there? That’s actually Saturn, the second biggest planet in our solar system.”

“Is that the one with the rings?” She turned around at the sound of Ava’s voice behind her and blushed, somewhat embarrassed that she’d heard her talking.

“Uh, yeah that’s - yeah.” She smiled and looked away.

“Who were you talking to?”

“Hm?” 

“Well, you weren’t talking to me so…”

Sarah hesitated, then shyly motioned towards her stomach.

“I like talking to her. I want her to know my voice. I - I know, it’s stupid but-”

“It’s not stupid! Apparently, it’s actually really good for the baby.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, it’s something to do with reducing stress and forming a bond I think.”

“Oh. That’s cool.” She chuckled, then paused.

“Since when are you the pregnancy expert?”

Now it was Ava’s turn to blush.

“Since, uh, last week. I started, you know, reading up about it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it just seems really interesting. And I wanted to know what I could do to help. Did you know you can’t drink coffee?”

“Yep, that’s been a hard one. I actually have to  _ sleep _ now.” 

A silence slowly descended upon them, and they sat down and moved closer to each other, desperate to stay warm in the cold October night. After a few minutes of just sitting, Ava noticed that Sarah was beginning to visibly shake.

“Hey, do you uh, do you want my scarf?”

“Your what?”

“My scarf. You’re cold.”

“I’m not -”

Ava lifted one of Sarah’s hands and inspected it in the dim light, her eyes settling on her pale blue nails. She held it up for her to see, a bemused look on her face.

“What’s this then? And don’t tell me it’s not cold because then I’ll have to take you down to CT, check for any number of things. A pulmonary embolism, pneumothorax, cardiac arrest; I could go on, Dr Reese.”

She smirked at her, knowing she’d won.

“ _ Fine _ , I’ll take the scarf.” As much as she tried to feign annoyance, both of them knew she was grateful for it. Ava took her scarf off and draped it around Sarah’s neck, carefully measuring the ends. She took the long end and wrapped it around Sarah’s neck again, her fingers delicately brushing against her jawline. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat and her heart sped up; she hadn’t been this close to anyone in months, let alone someone who was this gentle with her. For a brief second their eyes met, and she could feel a warmth inside her, something independent of the scarf. She was enjoying just  _ being _ with Ava, enjoying the feeling of security that came with her presence. 

They sat a little longer, watching the stars, until eventually, Sarah spoke up, stating that she needed to go home. Ava quickly offered to drive her, emphasising the fact that she had nothing to go home for and was more than happy to go out of her way to help. Sarah beamed and thanked her, relieved at the thought of not having to get yet another Uber home. 

 

* * *

 

“You’ve been avoiding him for  _ how _ long?”

“Not  _ him _ technically. Just his incessant questioning.”

“Sarah.” Ava raised an eyebrow at her, watching her blush. The two were sat in the hospital’s cafeteria, both on their lunch breaks, discussing Dr Charles.

“About a month.” 

“ _ Sarah _ .” She threw her hands up in exasperation, half laughing at the situation.

“You do realise he wants to help you right?”   
“Yeah, I know. It’s just - I’m embarrassed. I agreed to tell Joey because of Dr Charles, and now I feel weird going back to him to tell him that  _ hey, things did  _ not _ go okay and now my baby is fatherless _ .”

“You don’t have to tell him like that, you know. And I’m sure whatever happens, he’ll be supportive. I bet he’s already picking out baby names.”

Sarah smirked and shook her head, her curls gently bobbing on her shoulders. 

“Anyway, did you get your tacos last night? Because it seemed  _ way  _ too late to be cooking.”

“Oh, I don’t make them.”

“No? What, do you have them delivered?”

“Not technically. I have a sort of thing going on with my neighbour. I make her cookies, she makes me tacos.”

“Oh.” Ava’s face fell, and Sarah quickly picked up on it. Was she… jealous?

“But thank you so much for letting me keep your scarf. My heating doesn’t work properly and it was such a blessing.” She failed to mention, however, the way she’d fallen asleep with the scarf wrapped in between her fingers, the gentle scent of Ava’s rose perfume comforting her like nothing else ever had. 

“Do you want it back? Because I can bring it tomorrow if -”

“What? No, don’t worry about it. You clearly need it more than I do. And besides, it looks better on you.” She smiled, causing a slight blush to spread across Sarah’s face, a soft pink glow kissing her skin. Before she was able to gather her thoughts into a coherent response, Ava’s pager buzzed, requesting her presence upstairs in CT. She swore under her breath, then gave Sarah a quick hug and rushed off to answer the call, leaving her alone at her table. 

Realising she had no reason to stay in the cafeteria, Sarah made her way upstairs to Dr Charles’ office, aware that if she didn’t talk to him now, it would probably take her another month to work up the courage again. When she got there, his door was slightly ajar, and she peeked in. He was sitting at his desk, reading a patient’s file, seemingly engrossed.

_ Don’t bother him. He’s working. _ She was trying to talk herself out of it, but Ava’s words kept coming back to her.  _ You do realise he wants to help you, right? _ She knew it was true, and that he’d be more than willing to stop whatever it was he was doing for her sake, but she couldn’t shift the idea that he’d send her away, that he didn’t care enough.

Any possibility of a choice she had was taken from her when she accidentally kicked the door, causing Dr Charles to look up at the sudden sound. When he saw her standing sheepishly in the doorway he put down the file and beckoned for her to come in, smiling gently at her. She hesitantly took a seat at his desk, unable to look him in the eyes for more than a second or two.

“I, uh, I spoke to Joey.” He nodded encouragingly and she felt her chest tighten, the beginnings of regret already seeping into her mind.

“He didn’t… take it too well.” She paused, blinking back tears. She was fed up with crying but with the pregnancy hormones taking over her body it seemed to be all she was doing at the moment.

“In what way?”

“He wants nothing to do with her. Said that he’s ‘not ready’ for a baby. That’s it. No explanation, no questions, nothing. He didn’t even want to know the sex.” She could feel herself getting more and more worked up, the last month of pent-up anger finally escaping. Although she’d had a few conversations with Ava about what was going on, she now realised that what she’d really been missing was her boss and all of his advice.

“Did he say anything else?”

“Nothing. This is  _ his baby _ and he couldn’t care less. And now she’s going to grow up without a father.”

Dr Charles was silent for a moment, contemplating the situation. He felt for Sarah, he really did, but he was also aware that there were ways for her to cope and raise this child without a father. He’d seen Nat do it for almost a year before getting together with Will, and saw no reason why Sarah couldn’t do the same. 

“Have you considered speaking to Dr Manning?”

“What?”

“I was just thinking that maybe she could offer some advice on coping as a single mom, or even just be someone to talk to. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help.”

She looked at him uncertainly, obviously not as convinced as he was. 

“And of course I’ll be here any time you need me if that’s what you want.” His tone was reassuring, and she breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he wasn’t completely pushing her away.

“That would be great.” Her smile lasted for no more than a second before faltering as she remembered why she was here in the first place.

“I still don’t know what to do about Joey though.”   
“How long ago did you tell him?”

“About a month.”

“Has he spoken to you at all since then?”

“No…”

“Then it’s easy: Don’t do anything. If he’s not going to bother with you, why should you waste your energy on him?”

“Because he’s -”

“His biological connection to her has no relevance to this situation. If he’s not going to step up and be there for her, he can’t really be considered her father.”

Sarah smirked. “That’s almost exactly what Ava said.”

“Dr Bekker?”

“Yeah. She was actually the first person I spoke to about this and now we’re kind of like -”

“Seeing each other?”

“What?  _ No _ . We’re just… friends.”

“Oh, it’s just that you seemed - never mind.” He shook his head, abruptly ending the conversation for fear of overstepping any boundaries, while also making no attempts to change the subject. Instead, he simply allowed Sarah to leave and go back to work, hoping that she’d take into consideration at least some of his advice.

 

* * *

 

When Sarah got home she couldn’t stop thinking about what Dr Charles had said about talking to Nat, and she was kicking herself for not thinking of it sooner. After all, Nat had been the one to break the news to her, and her experience as a single mom made her the perfect person to go to. Sarah typed out a quick text to her, asking if she had time to meet up, and pressed send, not really expecting a reply.

She was just sitting down in front of the tv, ready to settle down for the evening when her phone buzzed with a reply from Nat.

_ Sure! you can come to my place if you want xx _

Her address was written underneath, a clear invitation for her to come round - there was no way she could even try and pretend to misunderstand the message. She quickly changed out of her work clothes and into some jeans and a sweater, then threw on a denim jacket and Ava’s scarf and left. 

When she arrived she was immediately ushered out of the cold and into Nat’s living room, where Owen was sat on the floor playing with some toy cars, almost completely oblivious to her presence. She sat down tentatively, scared to do the wrong thing while waiting for Nat to return with some drinks.

“So, how have you been? You’re looking a lot better than the last time we spoke.”

“Yeah, I’m - I’m good actually.” She carefully took the glass of water from Nat and thanked her, before carrying on.

“I’ve had a lot of good talks with people and they’ve really put things into perspective.”

“Oh, that’s good to hear.” Nat smiled reassuringly at Sarah, who was looking up at her from behind her glass. 

“Was there anything specific you wanted to talk to me about?”

Sarah hesitated for a moment, her heart racing at the thought of asking such personal questions to someone she barely knew, but she quickly calmed herself down. This was something that would be useful to her over the next few months, and she was sure Nat wouldn’t mind.

“Uh, yeah there was actually.” She paused, waiting for the go-ahead from Nat.

“I just - I was wondering if you had any advice on being a single mom? I told Jo- I told the father, and he didn’t take it too well. He barely acknowledged it. So now I’m stuck raising this baby by myself, which was never part of the plan, and I just feel so  _ alone _ . I don’t want her missing out on things because she doesn’t have a father, the way I did.”

She placed her hands gently on her protruding stomach, waiting for Nat to respond. She was silent, taking in everything Sarah had said and trying to work out how best to support her, what kind of advice to give. Her heart ached for Sarah, going through this so young. The one comfort she’d had raising Owen without Jeff was knowing that he would have been there; his choice was taken from him, but she knew he wanted to stay. Sarah, on the other hand, didn’t have that. She had to look after her daughter knowing that her father was out there, alive and well, simply unwilling to participate in his child’s life. 

“What do you want to know?”

“Oh my god, everything.” She started talking again, her voice faltering as she became more self-conscious.

“I’m sorry, it’s uh, it’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘stupid’ question. Ask away.” Her smile was comforting, and Sarah immediately felt safer.

“I just, uh… What’s it like, giving birth? I’m  _ terrified _ of just the thought of it, and I can’t escape this feeling that something will go wrong.”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Sarah; it is hard, and it does hurt like hell. But as for anything going wrong? That’s nothing for you to worry about. You’re young and healthy - there’s no reason why there should be any complications. I know it can be scary, but try not to worry about it too much. Are you going for a hospital birth?”

“Uh, I haven’t really thought about it.” She admitted.

“That’s okay; it’s probably too early for you to be thinking about that anyway. But yeah, maybe over the next couple of months try and put a birth plan together, just to give you an idea of what you want. And honestly? Wherever you have this baby, you have almost nothing to worry about.”

Sarah breathed a sigh of relief, and the two continued talking for almost two hours, only stopping when Owen started throwing his blocks around and repeating  _ “bed” _ at full volume, his way of telling Nat he was tired. 

She did her best to quiet him down while Sarah watched on in mute horror, dreading the day she had to deal with this herself.  _ Good thing they’re cute _ , she thought to herself, barely dodging a stray block. It didn’t take long for Nat to temporarily settle Owen in front of the T.V. so she could show Sarah out.

“Thank you so much for this Nat.” She smiled, pausing for a second, before continuing.

“It’s nice to talk to someone who actually understands what I’m going through. As great as everyone else has been, I feel like they just… don’t get it.”

“It’s not a problem! If you ever want to drop round again or meet up to talk about things then just let me know, yeah? I want to do everything I can to help you.” 

Just as Sarah turned to go, Nat spoke up again.

“One last thing. Would you - do you think you’d ever get back with the father if he changed his mind?”

“I’m not sure if I want him to change his mind.” She thought back to Ava, the way she’d been so kind and supportive since their first meeting, despite neither of them knowing the other at all, and the way she’d lent her her rose-scented scarf without a second thought, simply wanting to make sure she was okay. No. There was no way Joey could even try and live up to Ava; if for some reason he did change his mind, what reason would she have for taking him back? He’d be able to see his daughter, of course, but that was the most she’d allow him.

“No. Even if he does, I don’t need him. Not anymore. I’ve got a lot of people that want to help me, and you - you’ve really put things in perspective. Thank you.” 

She could feel herself tearing up, blushing slightly as the first tear escaped. 

“It’s these _damn_ _hormones_. I’m sorry, I should-”

“No, don’t worry about it. I remember I cried at  _ everything _ when I was pregnant with Owen; I don’t think I ever stopped.”

The two women laughed for a bit until they were interrupted by Owen’s surprisingly loud voice, this time even more insistent. 

“Well, that’s my cue.”

“Yeah, I’ll uh, I’ll let you get on with your night. Thank you again for this.”

“Not a problem Sarah. Get home safe, yeah?”

“I will. Thanks.”

Nat opened the front door and Sarah stepped out into the cold air with a smile, a weight lifted from her chest. 


End file.
